Well hello there ladies, JOE.ie here to assist you in your quest to successfully sex the man of your dreams.
First of all, every Irish guy you meet probably thinks that he is God’s gift to womankind.
A weird image maybe, but a sexy weird image all the same.
Here are JOE’s Six Sex tips for all of your future sexy fun.
1. Please have sex with us.
It’s as simple as that really. Please. Seriously, we will be absolutely delighted that you’re even considering having sex with us in the first place.
What’s that? You’d like us to go into more detail? No problem, JOE can do sexy details.
When we say “please have sex with us” we’re really not talking in code.
We’re talking about up sex. Down sex. Over there sex. ‘What the hell was that?’ sex. Sideways sex. Tickley sex. Non-tickley sex. Bouncy sex.
Allllll the different kinds of sex.
2. Sometimes men just want to be cuddled, y’know? It doesn’t always have to be about the hot, sweaty, passionate, incredible rumpy-pumpy sex that we all know and love.
Sometimes it can be more about th… sorry. We’ve just looked up the definition of what “cuddle” actually means and we want absolutely nothing to do with that whatsoever thank you very much.
We’ll refer you back to point number one please.
3. Sometimes men just want to be coddled, y’know? Everyone knows that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and you really can’t beat a great pre-sex meal of shlurpy Irish coddle, just to get everyone in the mood.
Sure, things might get a bit messy in the bedroom, but you can easily solve that problem by taking your business into the kitchen. There, you’ll have easy-to-wipe surfaces, a clock on the cooker to keep track of how long you’ve both been ‘doing it’ and, best of all, you’re right beside the place where the real magic happens – the fridge.
Now, there may be no Irish coddle in this particular clip from 9 ½ Weeks starring Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke, but it’s still pretty sexy you’ll have to admit…
4. As you can see from the fantastic food fornication clip above, the right music also plays a crucial role in setting the sexy scene. So whenever you and your partner are about to get down to making sweet, sweet love, make sure you’ve got the perfect accompanying soundtrack at the ready – rewind the tape, set the volume to ‘sexy ambient level’ and hit play…
5. Everyone loves a bit of sexy role play, none more so than Irish men who, believe JOE, will greatly appreciate it when their partner in sexy-crime offers to dress up in the bedroom.
Whether it’s a nymphomanic nurse, a sultry she-devil or just a really sexy teacher, your husband/boyfriend/lad-you’ve-just-met-in-Coppers-at-3am-and-have-settled-on will be more than happy to return the favour by dressing up for you too:
6. And last but not least – be romantic, be chivalrous. Buy us sexy presents that we can both enjoy, like tickets to the local pencil factory or, even better, get your hands (and other bits) on the aptly named Embrace Durex pleasure gel – warming for you, tingling for us… everyone’s a winner.
As well as that though, you could tell us we smell nice, offer to open the door for us, buy us flowers, treat us to tasty chocolates that come packaged in a heart-shaped box, maybe even tell us that our dress makes our eyes pop, especially in this light.
You’re welcome.
