A psychologist reveals the number one phrase that causes more damage than you think
Relationships can be tough. Arguments can happen, and people may say things in the heat of the moment. But some things can cause a lot a damage.
A psychologist is warning people about what not to say to avoid causing harm to their relationship.
Dr Mark Travers, a psychologist specialised in relationships, happiness, personality, and purpose, wrote for CNBC Make It, explaining that relationships don’t “fall apart overnight”.
It’s more often a build-up of missteps until it becomes “too heavy to manage”.
As someone who studies couples, he finds many versions of the same story.
Couples come in thinking their problem is due to frequent fights, but after digging deeper, they usually fall under the same root – what’s said during their fights.
One phrase that Travers finds causes more damage than you would think is:
“Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?”
Although it seems like a throwaway line, and despite who is named, it sends a message of:
“You’re not enough, and someone else — anyone else — could do a better job at being my partner.”
According to Travers, this type of comparison can “give rise to irreparable insecurity issues”, as rather than feeling loved for who they are, the person will start questioning their worth and wonder if they are living up to their partner’s expectations.
Why is it said?
According to Travers, a happy relationship works through clear communication, without shame or comparison.
The actual phrase is not the real problem, Travers explains, it’s a symptom of a “much deeper dysfunction”, a fear of openly speaking up.
When a want to speak up builds up over time, it could lead to someone blurting out, “Why can’t you be more like XYZ?”
Travers says that they don’t necessarily want another partner; it’s that they don’t feel safe enough to speak up:
“The more secure and emotionally close a person feels in their relationship, the more likely they are to communicate directly.”
What can we say instead?
Travers advises that instead of comparing yourself to someone else “as a model”, look at yourself. What do to want? What are you trying to say?
So instead of saying something like “Why can’t you be more like Alex? He never blows up over small things,” Travers says, try something like this:
“I know we both get frustrated sometimes, but it would mean a lot to me if we could speak to each other kindly, without yelling.”
“It’s hard for me when our arguments escalate so fast. I’d love for us to work on staying grounded together during tough moments.”
