Irish barbecues are lit.
There’s always the threat of rain, everyone comes along with an A4 sheet of their dietary requirements and the cook is always panicked to their core making sure everyone has had enough to eat.
Here’s 21 things you’re guaranteed to hear at an Irish barbie.
1. Vanessa the vegetarian isn’t coming, sure she isn’t? Oh thank CHRIST for that. I haven’t a clue what they eat.
2. Those coals aren’t burning fast enough, will I throw a bit of petrol over them? Be no harm?
3. I’m having a spritzer, there’s a lovely summery feel off it. If only we had the weather!
4. We ate before we came, we didn’t fancy food poisoning HAHAHAHAHA!
5. Peter, you’ve had four sausages, that’s enough, now leave some for the guests.
6. There’s something very exotic about eating outside. It’s probably the 4,000 mosquitos that are currently swarming around us, but I can’t be sure.
7. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but they look like rain clouds over there now.
8. Far from guacamole you were reared, Gavin.
9. Any of those ribs going spare? HAHAHAHAHA!
10. Oh, so this is what a kebab looks like at 5pm as opposed to 5am.
11. DOES EVERYONE HAVE ENOUGH FOOD? DON’T BE POLITE NOW, DIG IN.
12. No, Martina, the burger buns aren’t gluten free, as it happens. Sake.
13. Have we a thermometer or something to check is that cooked? I don’t trust “your eyes”, Michael.
14. Did anyone else feel a drop of rain just there?
15. Hope everyone likes their meat well done, because this is a fucking barbecue and that’s all you’re going to be getting.
16. Now everyone’s to take a bit of food home with them, ok? I won’t have it here going off.
17. We should’ve just bought paper plates, sure there’d be no cleaning in it later.
18. Thinking of going for a gas barbecue the next time, they’re just a lot quicker. Although the charcoal gives a nicer taste… It’s a tough one.
19. Seven hours we left that chicken marinating and it just tastes of burnt. My heart is broke.
20. Did you see Peter earlier? FOUR sausages. He’s a pig.
21. HERE’S THE RAIN NOW EVERYBODY GRAB WHAT YOU CAN AND RUN!
