We all assume that our Mammies are the font of all wisdom when we’re young. Obviously, they know everything and everything they say can be taken as gospel.
Little did we realise just how much of what they said was made up, embellished or just plain weird. Still, it was all coming from a good place. Probably..!
How many of these classic white lies were you told by your Mammy?
If the wind changes, your face will stay like that
Break this one down. You can’t see it, you don’t know when it will strike, but this mysterious wind could leave you horribly disfigured for the rest of your life. And all because you were messing about.
That’s some pretty dark stuff to be telling a kid.
Eating apple seeds will cause a tree to grow in your stomach
This was the stuff of nightmares when you’re six years old. Years of therapy later, we can now accidentally swallow an apple seed without having a panic attack.
If you eat your crusts, you’ll grow up to be big and strong
Really? We ate those goddamn crusts and we’re still waiting.
It tastes just like…
No, it doesn’t. And just for the record, it never tasted like whatever it was that they said it did.
Eating carrots will help you see in the dark
Why you lie? All those years of eating carrots and we’re still waiting for that night vision to kick in. It turns out that vegetables don’t actually give you mutant superpowers.
We’ll get it the next time
You never got it next time. Never. Even as you walked away from whatever it was that you wanted, you secretly knew that this was as close as you were ever going to get.
That’s lovely, darling
It may have been a particularly inane story, a terrible painting or a collection of Lego pieces that you’d cobbled together into a misshapen ball. It was probably awful but at least they loved you too much to tell you that.
It won’t hurt
Words to strike fear into any child. Alarm bells would go off as soon as those ominous words were spoken. Why would you even say that unless it was actually going to hurt?
When two people love each other very much…
We all know the truth. And it didn’t involve some sort of abstract emotional connection being transmogrified into a baby.
Sitting too close to the TV will destroy your eyes
Sure it does. Luckily, we’re not living in a world where we spend most of our work lives sitting inches away from a screen on a daily basis…
If you pick a dandelion, you’ll wet the bed
Why would you tell your kid this? It’s such an elaborate but pointless lie. Still, it certainly captured the imagination when you were young and bed-wetting was the ultimate social faux pas.
You can do anything you put your mind to
Uh-huh. Are you saying we’re not professional ballerinas or superheroes because we didn’t try hard enough? Nothing to do with the lack of pace and poor athletic qualities we inherited from you and Dad, so?
The ice-cream van only plays music when it’s out of ice-cream
It’s not the lies that hurt. It’s the deceit.
