Mental Health Day: What I wish I knew when I was suicidal

October 10th is World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day and my entire Instagram feed has been full of encouraging messages, helpful advice, and essential support lines.

Ireland has made incredibly reassuring progress when it comes to mental health. The days of people whispering about how 'she's suffering with her nerves' are behind us, but we still have so far to go.

I've been extremely vocal about my own personal struggles for over a decade, but there is still some lingering stigma. Some people will still judge you or accuse you of being selfish or attention-seeking, but there are dozens more who will support you.

There will be the ones who help you find professional help, friends who will be a shoulder to cry on when life feels hopeless, and the ones who stand by your side on the darker days.

You will realise that the circle of people who cares about you is far greater than you can even comprehend, but I wish I realised that sooner.

I was extremely mentally ill and frighteningly close to suicide

Last autumn, I wanted to end my own life. Admitting it is a very overwhelming thing to do because I am better now. I am mentally well and can see the joy and purpose in my life again, but things were completely different last year.

I had no hope, no light, and no desire to keep living. Looking back on those days feels near impossible now because the person who was struggling doesn't really exist anymore.

I still have an anxiety disorder and I know there will come a time when I may suffer from low mood or suicidal ideation again, but I am better now.

I am still here today, living a life I love with the people who matter most to me. And that is something I never expected.

Sometimes I find it too overwhelming to think about how dark things were last year. Part of me wishes I could travel back in time and remind myself that staying is always the right choice.

At the time, my mind was so overwhelmed with thoughts about how unwanted I was, how nobody would miss me, and how nobody would care if I was gone.

These intrusive, untrue, and overwhelming thoughts couldn't be further from my reality because now that I'm better I can finally see that my life is full of people who do need me and do love me.

"I'm constantly finding myself thinking about all the things I could've missed"

But when you're suffering from an anxiety disorder and feeling weighed down by panic and exhausted from a mind full of negativity, it can feel impossible to accept simple facts like you're wanted or loved.

However, it's the one thing I wish I had known when I hit rock bottom last year.

I wish that version of me could see how needed and loved she was because it may have stopped things from spiraling. It may have helped me get better sooner, but I know it now and it's what I hold onto every single day.

It's what is keeping me grounded and stable.

A quote reminded me of just how common that feeling is, but it was a welcome reminder too:

"You may not be happy that you exist right now, but someone is happy that you do."

They are the words anyone who is suffering should hold on to because you don't realise how much love is in your life until you nearly end it all.

I'm constantly finding myself thinking about all the things I could've missed. These moments of appreciation are constant and ones I'll never tire of whether I am just sitting in a pub on Camden Street with my friends after work or celebrating a birthday I never thought I'd be here for.

If you’re struggling with suicidal ideation or any mental health issues then you can contact Samaritans on 116 123. You can also contact Text About It, the free, anonymous, 24/7 messaging service.