The! Spice! Girls! Are! Back!
Yeah, we get it. Five Spice (minus one) are doing a reunion tour, but let’s get to the important stuff. Which. Spice. Girl. Isn’t. Really. Feeling. It. But. Is. Just. Going. Along. With. It. Anyway.
It’s a universally accepted fact that no two people can ever feel the exact same way about something at the same time, let alone four. Let’s say you go for a burger with your friends. You’re all enjoying yourselves, but on different levels. Dean had a burger last week, so this isn’t a huge deal for him, but Jenny hasn’t had a burger for six months, so this is a big moment. Her excitement scale is reaching 9.5, but Dean’s sitting on a cool 5. You get it? Got it? Good.
In the same way, it’s unlikely that every Spice Girl is on the exact same buzz about the reunion tour. One is surely feeling it slightly less than the others. To find answers, we must look to the promotional image that is currently circulating the web:
There’s varying degrees of excitement visibly washed across all of their faces. Some are understandably more enthused than others. It doesn’t mean as much to everyone, they’re at different stages of their lives and more importantly, careers.
But short of simply contacting the girls, thereby doing some actual journalism for a change, how can we figure out who’s the most excited?
By ranking their facial expressions, obviously.
5. Mel B / Scary Spice
Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown is dubious. She’s been burned before. This reunion isn’t essential for her career anymore. Mel’s been on Loose Women, for God’s sake, she’s got options. The tour isn’t make or break for Mel. Her face is giving us a knowing look. She’s saying “Listen, I can spice up my life for a few tour dates, but I don’t need to. I’m doing the other girls a favour here, bringing an element of lunacy and charm.” Mel B is the least enthusiastic Mel in the band, but also overall.
Her body language supports my theory. That’s the pose of a no-nonsense teacher who’s just passed out a shocking set of test results to her class. She’s about to deliver the lecture of a lifetime about how the exams aren’t for her benefit and although the correct geographical term for bits of land eroded by the sea isn’t an essential thing to know in everyday life, it’s important for the GCSEs. Mel B feels apathetic towards the Spice Girls reunion. She’ll do it, it’ll be fine, but that leopard print jumpsuit will be straight down the dry cleaners afterwards, then put away indefinitely.
4. Mel C / Sporty Spice
Melanie “Sporty Spice” Chisholm looks like she’d far rather be sporting an Adidas zip-up hoodie, under which lies an exposed midriff and abs of steel. But nevertheless, 2018 Sporty Spice conforms to societal expectations of photoshoots. There’s a slight difference between her and the other girls, as she’s wearing a jumpsuit. What does that mean? It means that she still wears the pantsuit in the band. She can still kick and karate chop her way through a crowd, possibly even more so now, only she’s older, wiser to the wicked ways of the world.
But is she happy? Mel C seems apprehensive about it all. Is this tour going to ruin the good name that the Spice Girls worked so hard to carve out for themselves? Will their voices be able to reach the dizzying high notes of the 90s? Can their bodies keep up with demanding dance routines? Obviously hers can, as she is an athlete, but can the others? Can Geri withstand 90 mins of cardio? Mel C has had a hit single with Bryan Adams, there’s nothing left to prove. But she’s competitive. This reunion is a game to her, and the other girls, her competition. She will not be the first one to have to take a night off due to extreme exhaustion. Over her dead, yet perfectly sculpted body.
3. Geri Halliwell / Ginger Spice
Well look who’s come crawling back, it’s only Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell / Horner. She’s out for blood, and she’s looking for it with a smile and teapot stance. Geri is to the Spice Girls what your stoner cousin is to family gatherings. She only shows up if it’s one of the big ones (funeral, momentous birthday, seance) to reluctantly take part in the festivities so as to prevent other family members from moaning about her lack of attendance. But we don’t forget the time she left Grandma’s 90th early to pursue a solo career. Not for one second.
Her face reeks of redemption. She’s sorry for being the one to leave the band, thereby rendering their name inaccurate as she was the only one called after a legitimate spice. Geri wants another chance. There’s determination in her eyes and her thick, meaty calf muscle that’s bulging for your attention. Her smile and enthusiasm is genuine, but also slightly mischievous. There’s another relaunch of her solo career coming after the tour. You can practically smell it.
2. Emma Bunton / Baby Spice
Nobody is more excited about the Spice Girls reunion than Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton, not even Adele. Emma’s evidently screaming at the time of the above photograph being taken, such is her enthusiasm for the tour. She’s even offering up a peace sign, signifying that not only are the girls going to perform songs together, they’re also going to solve the world’s problems, one tour date at a time. Bangin’ 90s pop tunes and world peace? That’s a promise Baby Spice is making to fans, intentionally or not.
Skeptics may suggest that Emma’s overcompensating here. Her legs are crossed, alluding to the fact that there’s something being kept from us. The open-mouthed smile and peace sign is a distraction. This is a woman who somehow blagged her way into being a judge on Dancing On Ice, we must not underestimate her powers. What is Baby Spice hiding? Her eyes reek of deceit. Something is amiss. Baby got secrets. She’s all grown up now. Is she going to rebrand as Adult Spice? Or, more controversially, Old Spice? Watch this space. Girl’s got plans.
1. Victoria Beckham / Posh Spice
Wow. Colour me wrong. I had said that nobody was more excited about the Spice Girls tour than Baby Spice, but evidently, I was incorrect. Look at Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham’s face, she’s beaming. The media loves to portray her as a villain and a grump, but the elation seen above is undeniable. Her eyes are wide with joy, her smile is at risk of dislocating her jaw, even her posture is like nothing we’ve seen before. Victoria Beckham is jazzed. The most jazzed out of everyone. She cannot wait for the reunion tour. The four-piece reunion was a decoy. She’s actually going to join them. The whole band is back together. It’s right there in front of our eyes. Posh Spice is back and she’s posher than ever. Say it, Victoria. Say you’ll be there.