EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter

Excitement is in the air. It's the beginning of August and there's a real buzz around the place (I don't just mean those pesky bees that appear to be multiplying). The sun's out, children are laughing and playing, everyone's in a good mood and a new Harry Potter book has just been released. I'm on my way to meet someone whose career I've been following since I was seven. This is a big deal. My heart is pounding, my palms are sweaty and my knees are weak. There's vomit on my sweater already and, coincidentally, I'm listening to Eminem. As I reach our secret meeting point, I lock eyes with him. He's here. The Sorting Hat is here.

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Me: Sorting Hat, I'm absolutely beside myself to be meeting you. What an honour. How are things? Sorting Hat: Ciara, I could say the same thing! I loved you in Pirates of the Caribbean! Me: Yes, that was me! Thanks so much. [It wasn't me. That was Keira Knightley, but I went along with it anyway]  Sorting Hat: Great to see you've turned to the difficult art of interviewing. Well, ask away, I'm an open hat.... Me: Haha! Brilliant. Ok, wow, where do we even begin? I guess I'll start at the start. What was it like to play such a vital role in the story of Harry Potter? Sorting Hat: Ciara, hun, it was a delight. I felt so important, I mean, I got to decide what houses those nerdy little kids were placed into. It was brilliant and definitely something I'm proud to have on the CV. Everyone was so kind and respectful of my importance. What a buzz! Me: I can't even begin to imagine the colourful life you've had. Tell me, was there any negative side to being the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter? Sorting Hat: I got nits, Ciara. Those filthy muggles gave me nits! Well, I can only assume it was the muggles that infected me. Filthy mudbloods. I was out of work for about three months, it was a nightmare. I felt so useless just hanging out around the house. I asked my housemate if he wanted anything sorted, he told me to sort my life out. That was hard to take, but in retrospect, a very sick burn. Me: Stop, so sick! What did you do during your time off? It must've been difficult for you. Sorting Hat: It was difficult. I ended up developing a very mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder. It started with little things like sorting the contents of the fridge in order of height, then I alphabetised the DVDs, ate Liquorice Allsorts in order of size, I couldn't even park the car unless it was sorted neatly between two cars of different colours. I realised I had a serious problem when I was arrested for trying to sort the potpourri in Marks & Spencer one evening. Me: God, that's awful to hear. But you've gotten things in order (pardon the pun) since then? Sorting Hat: Yeah, that's all behind me now, thankfully. I'm in a much better place. Since my commitments with the Harry Potter franchise finished up, I was determined not to sit back and feel sad that it was over. I prefer to smile because it happened! I handed out CVs on my way home from my last shift at Hogwarts. People thought I was crazy, but I wanted to succeed. I wanted to prove that there is life after the far-fetched world of witchcraft and wizardry. Me: Fantastic! You're an inspiration. So, tell me, what are you doing with yourself these days? Sorting Hat: I always find that if you find a job you love, you'll never work a day in your life. That's exactly what's happened to me. I'm currently working 9-5 in a launderette sorting the socks and I LOVE IT. I feel so fulfilled and accomplished in life. I've lived the superstar lifestyle, brushed shoulders with the most powerful people in the business and now I'm ready to kick back and just enjoy life. I play 5-a-side with the lads on the weekends, have a few pints and I'm just really really happy. Me: Ah that's brilliant to hear! Any hat-tricks during 5-a-side? Sorting Hat: No. Me: ...because you're a hat...? Sorting Hat: Again, no. Me: Listen, sorting hat, it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you. I'm glad to hear everything's going well for you mate. All the best with everything! Sorting Hat: Ciara, thanks for having me. Hope all goes well filming the next Pirates of the Caribbean. Me: Cheers, yeah!