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27th Jun 2019

Ask Curtis: Lads keep saying I’m ‘all mouth’ when it comes to sex

Jade Hayden

Following Love Island’s new duty of care, Curtis Pritchard has been appointed as the villa’s unofficial Agony Uncle.

In a completely coincidental and not-at-all-true turn of events, we’ve managed to secure some of Curtis’s top-notch wisdom in response to some brief and oddly familiar queries. 

Because when life is hard and things are tough, you should always seek the help of a professional… ballroom dancer*. 

“Curtis, I need your help. 

“I quite like this guy but he’s being extremely hot and cold with me. One day he’s kissing me on the garden swing and the next he’s hanging with the lads and saying he’s not too sure about our relationship. 

“Each time it happens it breaks my heart a little more. I am quite miserable and I feel like he will never love me, even though my own feelings for him are questionable at best. 

“He also tells me he wants to see if I’m “all mouth” when it comes to sex. The cheek! 

“What should I do? 

“Yours,

“Ragin’ Longford lass.”

You seem like a wonderful young lady, and I am truly sorry that such a troubling scenario is occurring in your love life.

Every relationship is like a quickstep – it can be fast, it can be fun, but it can also be peppered with moments of uncertainty, surprise, and unexpectedness.

One moment you could be stepping along to a few pleasant quarter turns (having a nice time together), and the next you’re launching yourself into a series of syncopated steps (being torn to shreds by some anonymous lad called Jordan who thinks your fanny flutters might be a bit OTT).

It’s a tough enough rhythm to master is the ol’ relationship, but once you get there, the benefits are entirely worth it.

Once you feel that connection, you’ll know it. You’ll be together, staring into each other’s eyes, admitting that you could tell them anything, that you love them, that you are, indeed, bros forever. 

The question of the “all mouth” situation can be resolved by taking a few simple steps that surprisingly do not involve dancing.

Wait until the clock has stuck midnight. Cast your eyes above to a star-filled sky. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that the universe is, like me, your friend. It can only give you back what you give to it.

A young lady like you deserves a gentleman, and a gentleman never tells.

Nor does he question a woman’s motives or harbour unrealistic expectations regarding her actions just because she expresses an interest in intercourse of a sexual nature.

As the children of today might say: dump him, sis.

You deserve better.

(*Not actually Curtis, obviously)

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