The Bake Off is back!
Let us all grab hands, kiss a baby and rejoice that our lives may finally reach fulfilment again. Personally, my life has been meaningless without judging the baked goods of twelve eager contestants with roughly ten times the baking ability of myself.
Each year, the contestants weasel their way into our hearts, redefining what it is to both love and hate complete strangers, based on how a producer decides to edit them. Like the repulsive animals that we are, we take to the internet, live tweeting their failures “lol u can’t even make a soufflé m8”, we shall write, whilst sitting on our arses slurping tea and horsing into digestive biscuits.
Here’s 6 types of GBBO contestants we meet every year, and can expect to meet tonight.
1. The Smug Teen
Reveal
She was probably born in the year 2000, making every other contestant, along with every viewer, feel physically sick. She’s still at school but somehow manages to find the time to bake 13 baklavas a week, for her friends, family and boyfriend who was born in 2001. Her time was cut short in the competition due to making an absolute balls of her macarons during week five, resulting in a mass celebration on Twitter because we are all heartless begrudgers. Joke’s on us, she’s going to have an award-winning cookery book out before Christmas, and will probably bake the Queen’s next birthday cake, the smug little wagon.
2. The Competitive One
Mirror
He’s irritatingly confident from the start, and instantly becomes the nation’s most hated contestant. Annoyingly, this self-assured man can do no wrong, every bake is perfection and he knows it. Mary goes weak at the knees for him, Paul gazes lovingly into his eyes as the weeks go by and realises that he’s dealing with a genius. He wants to win and nobody is going to get in the way. When we find out during week four that he actually had a really tough few years and has been hit with many hardships, we all feel terrible for hating him and instantly jump on the bandwagon, cheering him and his dainty profiteroles all the way to the final.
3. The Lovely Mam
Reveal
There isn’t a television programme that unites a nation as much as GBBO. When you add an extremely loveable Mam into the mix, we are unstoppable. Wars could be prevented if everyone just had a sit down and a quick watch of the Bake Off. Lovely Mam is taking part in the show so her children can be proud of her. She feels slightly unaccomplished in life as she’s been raising the kids and setting them up for life, so wants to validate her self worth and worm her way into the hearts of the nation at the same time. Her simple recipes and funny little sayings secure her as an icon for many years to come.
4. The Chancer
Reveal
This cheeky little scamp saw the show last year and decided that baking doesn’t seem to be very difficult. He bought Mary Berry’s cookery book and equipped himself with the absolute basics. He’s never made puff pastry and is terrified of yeast, but that won’t hold him back. Paul sees straight through his bullshit and wants him out of the competition immediately, but Mary has a soft spot for his handsome little face. He’s funny and cheeky, but ultimately a very bad baker. The internet will turn on him when someone else gets booted out on a week where he deserved to go. He’ll be dating a Little Mix by Easter.
5. The Posh One
We’ll initially be put off by this gal’s ways. It’s not her fault, she as born into a privileged life and simply doesn’t know any better. She always uses exotic ingredients from her trip to countries that take two days to travel to, along with herbs we’ve never even heard of. She’ll be a bit isolated from the rest of the group, as they struggle to comprehend her bizarre ways. Nevertheless, she’s got a heart of gold and we will all end up falling in love with her bizarre ways. It will eventually come out that she’s loosely related to the Royals, but we won’t bat an eyelid as her brilliant bakes have already proved her worth in the nation’s eyes.
6. The Stay At Home Dad
Guardian
He’s the man we all want to bring up our children, as his relentless love for his kids fuels his frankly stellar baking ability. “It started off just baking cakes for the kids’ birthdays really”, he’ll modestly say, but we all know the truth. He knows that every viewer of GBBO has a low key horn for a baking Dad. Their nontraditional household thrives under Mam’s ability to have career, while her adorable hubby minds the children and house, as he bakes his way into our hearts. The other contestants love him, as he is just an everyday guy with a serious knack for a rhubarb crumble. Daddy for the win!
